fly smarter, not harder
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
im 7 sauces long
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.