Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Can’t stop laughing
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My patience has stretch marks.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this