Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?