Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly