Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
one of
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”