[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT