Follow me for more recipes
You Might Also Like
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.