Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
You Might Also Like
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.