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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
no one likes gloating
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: