follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards