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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*