Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”