Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
so, is there a mister shapen head
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
We have a winner.