Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
You Might Also Like
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*