Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!