Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Lmfaoooooo
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.