*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT