fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.