fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
This kid will have a bright future.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous