Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel