food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.