*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.