Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
i like to flex on them by shrugging
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100