[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.