Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Cats (2019)
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son