Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
moms in horror movies
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”