Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.