Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are