“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”