Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.