Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Close call…
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”