Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’d rather go liquor treating.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.