Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
translated into Canadian
based al yankovic
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”