Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!