Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Breaking news:
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?