Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
pi帽ata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
pi帽ata: let me wear the blindfold
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My mother had eight kids and she鈥檇 buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don鈥檛 tell me about your childhood problems.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My dog doesn鈥檛 wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE鈥橰E SORRY
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic