FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”


Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”


[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]


[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.


is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies


Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”


Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!


If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.


Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or


Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.