FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads