@ThisOneSayz

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

You Might Also Like

@ghostkrogh

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

@lmegordon

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

@CrockettForReal

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

@NewDadNotes

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

@BoomBoomBetty

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

@Parkerlawyer

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

@LuvPug

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@snek__charmer

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.