*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.