*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*


One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.


Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it


[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.


[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist


*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!


I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.


[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.