Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.