FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
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Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Don’t snitch tag.
