football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…