football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
🍞🦆
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.