For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
You Might Also Like
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again