For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Time heals everything 🙂
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
what are they serving at kfc then???
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me too, bag. Me too….