For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.