For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.