For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Choose your fighter
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.