For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Wait a minute
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.