For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?