For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.


My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.


When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.


“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”


Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.


I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…


[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive


Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun