For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.