For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
This is my bus stop.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing