@JosesLovesYou

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

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@FrenulumBreve

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

@cookie_mumbles

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

@foodfacenow

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

@Parkerlawyer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

@TheCiscoKidder

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

@FrenulumBreve

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@DomBorrett

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

@roggyie

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.