her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.