For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.